From the Red Cube.
There was a time in recent American history when certain Soviet jokes didn't work in translation - not so much because of the language differences, but because of the lack of common sociopolitical context. But that is changing. As President Obama is preparing us for a great leap towards collectivism, I find myself recollecting forgotten political jokes I shared with comrades while living in the old country under Brezhnev, Andropov, and Gorbachev. (I was too young to remember the Khrushchev times, but I remember the Khrushchev jokes.) I also noticed that the further America "advances" back to the Soviet model, the more translatable the old Soviet jokes become. ~
Not all Soviet advancements have metastasized here yet, but we have four more glorious years to make it happen.
One of my favorite political jokes is this:
The six dialectical contradictions of socialism in the USSR:
- There is full employment - yet no one is working.
- No one is working - yet the factory quotas are fulfilled.
- The factory quotas are fulfilled - yet the stores have nothing to sell.
- The stores have nothing to sell - yet people got all the stuff at home.
- People got all the stuff at home - yet everyone is complaining.
- Everyone is complaining - yet the voting is always unanimous.
Then I moved to America, where wild and crazy opposites of capitalism were supposedly at their worst.
Economic justice:
- America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.
- Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.
- They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.
- Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.
- The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.
- They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.
Hollywood cliches:
- Without capitalism there'd be no Hollywood - yet filmmakers hate capitalism.
- Filmmakers hate capitalism - yet they sue for unauthorized copying of their movies.
- They sue for unauthorized copying - yet on screen they teach us to share.
- On screen they teach us to share - yet they keep their millions to themselves.
- They keep their millions to themselves - yet they revel in stories of American misery and depravity.
- They revel in stories of American misery and depravity - yet they blame the resulting anti-American sentiment on conservatism.
- They blame the anti-American sentiment on conservatism - yet conservatism ensures the continuation of a system that makes Hollywood possible.
People's power:
- Liberals believe they're advancing people's power - yet they don't believe people can do anything right without their guidance.
- People can't do anything right - yet the government bureaucracy can do everything.
- The government bureaucracy can do everything - yet liberals don't like it when the government takes control of their lives.
- Liberals don't like it when the government takes control of their lives - yet they vote for programs that increase people's dependency on the government.
- They vote for programs that increase people's dependency on the government - yet they believe they're advancing people's power.
Bush and the media:
- The media said Bush was dumb - yet he won over two intelligent Democrats.
- He won over two intelligent Democrats - yet the media said his ratings were hopeless.
- The media said his ratings were hopeless - yet the 2004 electoral map was red.
- The 2004 electoral map was red - yet the media said his policies failed.
- The media said his policies failed - yet the economy grew and the war was won.
- The economy grew and the war was won - yet the media said we needed "change."
Public education:
- Liberals have been in charge of education for 50 years - yet education is out of control.
- Education is out of control - yet liberal teaching methods prevail.
- Liberal teaching methods prevail - yet public schools are failing.
- Public schools are failing - yet their funding keeps growing.
- Their funding keeps growing - yet public schools are always underfunded.
- Public schools are always underfunded - yet private schools yield better results for less.
- Private schools yield better results for less - yet public education is the only way out of the crisis.
Foreign radicals*:
- Foreign radicals hate America - yet they're all wearing American blue jeans.
- They're all wearing American blue jeans - yet they disdain American culture.
- They disdain American culture - yet they play American music, movies, and video games.
- They play American music, movies, and video games - yet they call Americans uncivilized.
- They call Americans uncivilized - yet they expect Americans to defend their civilization.
- They expect Americans to defend their civilization - yet they think American capitalism is outdated.
- They think American capitalism is outdated - yet most of their countries require American handouts.
(* Some US politicians have similar opinions about their redneck constituents - yet they won't shut up about how proud they are to have their mandate.)
Liberals and taxes:
- Liberals want to help the poor - yet they won't give money to charities.
- They won't give money to charities - yet they'd like the government to become a gigantic charity.
- They'd like the government to become a gigantic charity - yet the money has to be taken from people by force.
- The money has to be taken from people by force - yet they call it welfare.
- They call it welfare - yet higher taxes make everyone poorer.
- Higher taxes make everyone poorer - yet liberals find ways not to pay taxes.
- Liberals find ways not to pay taxes - yet they get to be chosen to run the government.
Liberals and the CIA:
- The CIA is a reactionary institution - yet its agents always leak information that helps liberals politically.
- CIA agents always leak information that helps liberals politically - yet liberals say the CIA is clueless.
- Liberals say the CIA is clueless - yet in their movies the CIA is running the world.
- In their movies the CIA is running the world - yet they tell us that better intelligence could have prevented the war.
- Better intelligence could have prevented the war - yet "enhanced interrogations" of captured terrorists must not be allowed.
